It’s no secret around these parts that I want to adopt, but I’ve been getting asked more and more about children and whether I will eventually change my mind about actually decide to give birth. I’ve come across this tweet a few times in just as many weeks and wanted to talk about it.
My heart goes out to the woman this particular person is referencing. I know this snippet isn’t her whole fertility story, but it sounds like she’s experienced quite a bit of pain, hurt and suffering while trying to conceive. I know that asking someone when they’re having children might not seem like an invasive question, but it is. It’s extremely personal and can be rude at times. I’ve often joked that people shouldn’t “clock my uterus”, but I’m seeing now that it’s something that needs to be addressed.
First things first. Parenthood isn’t for everyone. Not every woman desires to be a mother and that shouldn’t be forced upon anyone. Secondly, bio kids aren’t for everyone. There isn’t one singular route to motherhood and those who choose to go a route that doesn’t include having biological children shouldn’t be judged. In fact, those who do go the bio route to have children shouldn’t be judged. Whether you and your partner conceive and have a healthy child the first go ’round or if you have to (several) IVF rounds to have your rainbow baby, your route to parenthood is yours and is one to be respected.
My bone to pick is with those inconsiderate folks who think it’s okay to clock not only my uterus but others as well. The folks who feel like they know what’s best for me and other women and make statements like this:
“Your eggs are dry up if you don’t start having kids soon.” Who said I wanted to give birth? And if I did it’s going to be on my and my partner’s timetable.
“No one wants to be 50/60/70/80 at their child’s graduation.” See above.
“The earlier you start the more you can have.” Who said I wanted to have more than one?
“You’re too young for me to tie your tubes, you might change your mind and want to have kids in the future.” I’m about to be 30 years old, I’ve been wanting to adopt children for two-thirds of my life. I know what I want.
“Your husband might want to have bio children in the future.” As if my decision in the matter doesn’t count?
“When are you having your second/third/fourth/etc? Your kid needs a playmate.” Insert eye roll here.
Stop clocking my uterus. Just stop. It’s not good for either party because feelings might get hurt on both sides. I’m past the point of being nice about it, especially when folks get pushy and nosey so don’t be surprised if I hit you with a “stop clocking my uterus” in real life.
What’s y’all’s experience with this? I know that most of my readers are women; have y’all come across any of these situations? And if so, how did you handle it?